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Making money at music is very hard for someone at my “level” and it’s an inquiry for myself why I am doing this, what am I going to do about it, etc. It gets me down, that’s for sure, because I want to keep going, finish all the projects I’ve started, and it’s stressful to just pay out and not make this break even, so I’m churning over ways to make money, which I realize is no different than it was when I lived in NYC. 


I’m going to start by going to fb and asking peeps I know for their opinion. Should I do a gofundme? A kickstarter? Offer to make/sell items like fashion, ceramics, skin care—basically all the things I can do? I understand Elon Musk’s existential crisis.


I’m not typing this directly into the website after last week’s lost blog post that resonated with me for a few days. And earlier this morning, I wanted to write some different things—I wish I could directly type out my thoughts when I’m having them, and not have to “recreate” them, but when you’re having breakfast with other it’s not really appropriate to jot things down.


I did want to mention some children’s books that I go back to, one being, “The Story of Ping.” Such a good one about taking your lumps/accepting personal responsibility vs. trying to get out of it. It’s about ducks and the pictures are lovely, too. 



Yesterday when I was getting ready for my piano lesson—I’ve had to move the day/time due to my lack of afterschool help at the moment, it dawned on me that practicing is lonely and that I’m lonely. I don’t think I ever really thought or registered that before and the feeling of being lonely is also one that was not really on my radar much, or at least not before I moved to Chicago—I always loved loved being by myself, but now when I play the piano, often I feel selfish-just trying to get better at this when I –could- be doing something for the direct benefit for my family, and so maybe that’s where meditation comes in? 


So I mentioned it to Waz (my teacher) and he said that he has read some research that says that learning an instrument is lonely and the piano in particular which at least I was glad to hear that other people think so, too. 


My solution to this is that I am going to look for a yoga class to take. 


When I lived in NYC and even Chicago, but to a lesser extent, there were people everywhere, sometimes it seemed like too many people, but out here in the wilds, not so many. Maybe it’s because I’m aware that we’re heading into fall/winter/days are shorter, but I’m also aware that even out here, there’s less wildlife than, say, 100 years ago. We have a few wild turkeys and it seems like a big deal, and sad that there just aren’t that many, though I’ve been collecting the feathers I find “ethically sourced” and I wonder if they feel sort of lonely, too. 100 or so years ago there were so many crows that they could fly as a group and block out the sun. Now? no.


And I had to delete the twitter app for a few days, because I realized that my interest in the WH crime syndicate was not helping bring about a positive sense of well-being. It’s such a train wreck, and the mafia boss/reality show mastermind is right, it’s hard to turn away, though not paying close enough attention is what got us here in the first place. Did you see “Vanilla Sky”? I want to scream, “Tech support!!!!!” 


I had a coaching call this week, and I thought it would get me fired up, but it didn’t and that’s how it goes sometimes. Taking personal responsibility for everything all the time is hard. I’m mostly about the long view and scanning the horizon, keeping the goal, the end, in sight. If the waves are rough, can you expect to feel like having a party all the time? No. It’s navigation. 


Then I think, “Well, maybe it’s time to find calmer waters.” So yeah, there’s that.


My son did have a nice birthday this week. He’s 10. He did let me put a sucker in his mouth on Monday which was actually sort of a big deal and I did get very excited. He also took bites of a banana, again, big deal. We rode the go Karts nearby and are going again today after school…He did let me put a piece of my delicious carrot cake in his mouth, though he spit it out, but that’s mostly because he doesn’t eat cake. And then we all played Frisbee and he had a great time. 


Oh, my brain is drained. Time to end.

Have a great week



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