haste post haste

Ok, well, I do feel like writing today. procrastination for my gig? mos' def. I just had to add that apostrophe to mos to prevent auto correct from turing it into dos. Doh!

Waz taught me how to play "Natural Woman" yesterday and it was awesome and a challenge and confronting my fears as he played the flute and there were so many things, like playing a song I'd never played before from a chart with someone else who knew the song. 

And Aretha. May her legacy live on and inspire others. 

And today was picture day for my daughter who plotted her outfit and her hairstyle for a week. She has forced me to learn how to do hair and I want to scream, "I don't know how to do this!!!!" but I patiently live up to her ideal vision of me, that mom can do anything. And she looked great! But her hair, down, would have looked nice, too. 

And the news! I clip out a lot of things from the newspaper, things I want to remind myself of, arguments that other people make that I apply to my life/my situation that reinforce my beliefs, values, illuminate things I've been churning over in my head. Maybe our world will start to breath a little easier, but the depth of the corruption and naked greed is astounding. Why do some people embrace the 7 deadly sins so much? Sometimes I think I am a little bit wrathful, and for that I am a bit saddened, though I think it's a necessary defense after all the things I've been through. When you try to live at the top of the loving-kindness pillar, others can use that against you, and so it's actually not so good to strive to be so far up there. Or at least you have to be aware and work to know how to handle those who want to manipulate you.

Something I read maybe a week ago (?) in the NYT was an article about the office and benign envy vs. malignant envy. Benign envy is when others are inspired by someone/some achievement and that makes them want to be a better person, etc. Malignant envy is when others are jealous/envious (a deadly sin) by someone/something someone's done and want to do harm to them. Again, something to be aware of. People used to tell me that they thought my father was jealous (malignant envy) of me and I always found that so confounding-why would one's father feel that way and then try to stop them/hurt them? Misogyny? He gave me life, after all. But one time he did tell me that he wanted me to do "better" than him in life, but just a little bit better, i.e. not too much better. Yet, he was the one who left the farm and moved to a metropolitan area. Anyway, why ask why sometimes.

Maybe lastly? because I really do need to prepare for my gig, my husband has been playing chapters of a book on Buddhism at bedtime and it's so good. The nature of illusory feelings/beliefs. Usually he'll want to talk to me but I'm intensely listening! So I think we'll need to play this for a long long time. Feelings are designed for approach/avoid, and sometimes they are accurate, i.e., simple example-if a poisonous substance smells bad, you think, "yuck" and you avoid it, then, bingo--feelings work! But life is rarely so simple, and feelings came into play when life was simpler, so we need to check them for accuracy all the time.

The dogs are right outside my window, peering in, looking for me. Well, Mr. B is staring right at me. Like a statue. He's not the barker to be let in, his mom, Macy is. But, I just went, opened the door, and yes, they both strode right in. 

Video #2 has been sent off for editing, a few radio stations have been sent the ep, Next week I'm going to start working more on my screenplay and going to figure out how to make some bags, wool wraps and skirts-[I came up with a simple pattern/design for a skirt that I think would fit more people--doing sizes when you have a staff of 1 (that's me) is a challenge] and finding some more radio stations to contact, get ready for my next recording session...ok, that's a tall order, but that is the order/what I need to do.

The woman who gives my son behavior therapy remarked on the ep and how the songs were written after I had my son. She usually says how she wishes she had some of my creativity but I tell her it's a curse, also. It's hard to chart a course. 

ok, really that's all. I think sometime soon I'm going to do a traditional blog post regarding my carrot cake, with recipe and photos. I've been tweaking the recipe for 11 years now. It's not too sweet, and I'm constantly trying to take out more sugar from the frosting. 

xoxo have a good week!!!!


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