Well, I'm obviously behind in blogging but today seems to be a good day. I'm so saddened by the death of Kate Spade. A fellow/fella accessories designer. Where to begin? I have been shocked by the death of Alexander McQueen, L'Wren Scott and now Kate Spade, designers who seem to have what might have been my dream jobs (thought tbh I don't think I'd ever have wanted to be that big) but I love design, have done it full time/part time/freelance/just for myself, etc. since I was 9. After L'Wren died, I wrote a song, Bell Tolls-still being worked on, doesn't sound right even after recording it a few times, because it was so baffling to me, except she didn't have kids I thought. I thought, well, maybe she just needed a child to give her something to live for. But, no. Kate left behind a daughter. And Kate did it the same way L'Wren did--maybe as a message?
And I do know that the industry can be brutal, but like I said, I've never been that far up, had my own multi-million dollar company so I don't know how I would have fared. But I love design so much. I've read a few tweets--you never know what another person is feeling, mental illness, etc. But is despair mental illness? Maybe these people mean depression. I don't know.
I've spent time thinking To Be Or Not To Be, and I've felt that hardness of choice, hardness of daily living. But here I am, here we all are (which I suppose is the theme of Bell Tolls)
I interviewed once at Kate Spade, maybe in 2000? I think I did want the job, it was (if I recall correctly) a part time/freelance job, but I know I could have done it, it was right up my alley-accessories design! But I went to the interview dressed more like a rock star, wearing a t-shirt that my friend Bari had done, and when I got there I realized my mistake because the woman I met with was dressed just like you would imagine--a full-ish skirt, a prim top and I think there was a cute groomed dog in her office. No way was she going to hire me. After I left I wondered if I had subconsciously sabotaged myself by not dressing prim--I'm sure I could have come close! and it lead to some kind of epiphany about dressing for the job you want kind of thing. But I felt like a big idiot because I'm sure I could have used the money and money was always scarce back then and it's not every day that a job or interview at a place like that comes up.
But the idea of suicide is very sad of course. My nephew was a suicide at 21 and it haunts this family and I feel very sad for my daughter who was 10 at the time and who misses him terribly. And you always think, what could I have done to prevent it, and thankfully his dad said that he thought my talks with Max actually extended his life, but ultimately, there were not enough talks. And I didn't know, though I felt something was off, how much he had contemplated it. I had actually flat out asked him if he had been thinking about it and he denied it and since he was my sister-in-law's son, I felt maybe not ok about pressing more.
then I think how silly I am to be grousing about the difficulties I'll face releasing my new music. things could always be so much worse. I'm a little shook up today, but just took a look out the window, hoping I'll be filled with a love of nature again asap. I've been so plagued by the current state of our nation lately, worried, though worrying doesn't help, but again shocked by what a fiend "IQ45" is. I don't even think I can type his name anymore. He's become like Voldemort. FIEND. I had to look up this word yesterday.
I also looked up Poetic Justice. Wouldn't it be nice to experience some poetic justice? I think about this.
creatively, I finished the 3rd painting in a series that I think will be hanging in a very cool store soon. The 3rd one has to dry. I am also in the middle of doing some dying in a giant trash can outside. My hands are blue but it's kind of fun. My friend Bari (the same one who gave me the t-shirt I mentioned above) has been doing some "vat dying" in Brooklyn and maybe she inspired me. Years ago I acquired a lot of dye and was sort of into dying but on the stove. Like oil painting, don't even attempt it unless you are ok with making a mess. Which I am. "who cares?" is my attitude, plus, I can clean it up.
Well, I have 4 minutes until the caregiver leaves and it's my son and me. My daughter wants to sleep outside in a tent, but I think we should check to make sure it's not going to rain. So far I don't have as much help with the kids as I'd like, but we've been having a good time. My son played in the driveway while I did the trash can dying and it was ok!
ok. not sure if I will blog on Friday. It'll be the kids and me and it's actually a challenge to get some head space with both of them pinging off of me all day.