pain. is painful

so. I owe two weeks of blogs. no worries. last week-the kids were both home and had hardly been in school the entire week and so there was no time to write, + pain anyway and then this week 4 snow/cold days. But, I did get the house in order. Watched Marie Kondo as a victory lap, then got the strength to do more, haha.

And the pain is much less. It had really crept up on me and there is a straw that breaks the camel's back (is there for everything?) And for a few weeks I was irritated with myself because I saw how much stretching/massaging/healing I had to do and "a stitch in time saves nine" I suppose, but now that the pain is in retreat-wow. What a difference.

I'd been in pain for years and just toughing it out/ignoring it/getting on with it and now looking back I see how it must have colored a lot of my life, making me less -- less happy, less of everything. I was always so focused on my mental/emotional pain--but pain is pain. 

Being home and with the kids was alright, actually. At first I was bummed, because there's always so much to do, but I accepted it and we had a good time. We laughed, played, hung out, low pressure, it was almost like when they were pre-K. And so I cleaned out. And reorganized. Because those were things I could do despite the pain and things I had been putting off. I wish I had been able to get to everything everywhere, but the garage still needs some work and the shed. It really takes some super human mental strength to say-ok I'm going to take everything off of these shelves and rearrange and then go through everything. And I'd love to keep going but now I'm a week behind in making these clothes for the NYC fashion show and etc. and music and etc. and etc.

I stood outside in the cold in the evening and wow-it really does heighten awareness. I was very aware that if I couldn't get back inside, I would probably freeze to death. Of course, I was so worried about my neighbors-ie the wildlife, but they seem to be ok. Fingers crossed my little opossum made it. And the 3 fish in the pond. I was so worried about them the other day that I boiled water and kept pouring it on until I made a hole in the ice-I was worried it would freeze solid. (so far, so good)

My wrist is hurting a little bit. Typing on a laptop is not ergonomically good for me, so I need to investigate a new keyboard or something. 

We had some ancient truffle butter back in the fridge and now the birds are fighting over it. Not really my intention, but ok, rn they are ok. But then the male cardinal comes and chases everyone away. We say, "Hi Mom/Grandma" when we see a male cardinal. I used to say "My little birdie momma" about my mom. But I like the females, too. Ooh. It's the two male cardinals who are tussling. I told my daughter they are in their down coats. I soooo wanted to open my garage to all comers. But they're ok!!

It's hard to float on sometimes. What I mean by that is that the feminist in me was super grumbly over all these days off that *I* was taking then society, culture, norms, power structure, ability to earn/advance a career...but that wasn't going to do my kids any good. So we did our best to have fun instead. 

Well, I could chat all day, but I need to start getting my $%^& together to make these clothes. What I'd rather be making, though is a new coat for myself from one of my heirloom quilts. Since my ancestors are all dead, they can't complain about me cutting it up and I think it will make a far better coat then a bedcover at this point AND, I love that the handwork will get some new fans.

Darn, now I have to do something for the flicker who is out there. I bet it would love some truffle butter, too.



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